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Introduction

Guys,

If you saw the title of this and felt triggered, explore that.

As a man, I have so often hated the word “safe”, and so I decided to explore and embrace this opportunity to learn. This is such a loaded topic from many perspectives. I will try to provide thoughtful questions here, as well as give you insight into what I have learned through my own personal journey of shame, performing, loneliness, depression, divorce, faith, freedom,and discovery. I hope something here will be helpful for you.

I’ve gathered a lot of this from my experience, reading, and from many conversations with men and women. This is my opinion, and my experience.

Questioning 

I have posed the following question in multiple gatherings with men because I find it so thought provoking and a great starting point: 

Who are you becoming?

This question already implies that you are moving towards something. There’s no passivity here. You’re either drifting or fighting. Even stagnation is not passive. While in that state, there is no movement, no growth, no advancement, but there is a festering that develops that is not healthy.

So next, I want to ask:

What are you moving towards?

My aim here is to INSPIRE YOU to move towards becoming safer men. For our wives, friends, families, children, and everyone around us.

What Does “Becoming Safer Men” Mean?

Safe: protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.

(For the purpose of this writing and discussion, the “safe” that I am referring to is a place of connection, a place of deep security, on an emotional and spiritual level. Physical safety is assumed and present)

“Safe” is a loaded word today. It seems like everywhere I look, this word is thrown around. To me, it has been a triggering word. Why?

In regards to myself, men, and people, I’ve seen and experienced it used as a label.

Have you ever been told you are unsafe? Did you believe it? Was it true?

If this safety is so important to the women and people in our lives, how do we become “safe” men? Men that our wives, children, friends, and others can come to when they are confused. When they are hurting. When they feel scared. When they feel unsettled or unsure. When they want to find rest. And, when they need to call out our own poor behaviors that are causing damage in order to bring healthiness to our relationships.

Becoming Safer Men: Knowing What it Isn’t and What it Is

A man who does not “feel” safe is unlikely to provide safety. 

A man who does not believe he IS safe is unlikely to provide safety. 

A man who is not safe is a man who is likely lonely and isolated. 

This man is likely afraid and scared. He lives in fear.

This man may have pain that is unprocessed, unrecognized, unaddressed.

This man may be easily triggered; but when triggered, he pushes away from the pain or discomfort and continues to do so, instead of curiously exploring it.

This man may truly not want to get to the bottom of himself to learn how or why he works the way he does. 

This man may be angry and wants to blame. 

This man may hold onto past wrongs and let them simmer.

This man may be gripping tightly for control in his life of anything and everything that comes into reach. 

This man is likely reactive, not proactive. 

This man does not listen, consistently.

This man is not kind and gentle with his words and tone.

This man seeks to blame others and defend himself, at the sake of others.

This man is likely deceptive.

This man may be naive, or blind, to the damage he is causing; or worse, he may be hardened to it.

A Safely Confident Man

Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.

“A safe man loves me for who I am. He offers no judgment, but a deep love and understanding of who I am and what makes me hurt.” 

-from What is a Safe Man

A confident man may be the most safe man anyone can encounter. He may be, but, not all confident men are safe men. This is clear all around us. Safe and confident do not always go hand in hand. The source of confidence is key. 

Confidence that is rooted in anything that can be taken away is shakeable. 

Confidence that is rooted in self is selfish. 

The safest man, I believe, is a confident man whose confidence is grounded in deep, immovable truth. This confidence is often found and seen in the most humble, unassuming men. This man can step into the unknown, even feeling afraid, in a way that brings a safe presence to those around him. This man’s roots go deep. 

He is secure. 

He is fruitful. 

He is thriving.

He is not perfect. There are mistakes. But he is learning with an open heart, confident that the weak areas in him will continue to shape and form in purity as he leans into them, seeking help outside of himself.

He is vulnerable to see and admit his flaws, ask for help and seek wise counsel, and is motivated to work towards growth and serve others well in doing so.

What Truth Grounds This Confidence? 

For me, this growing confidence (not yet fully realized, still in process) came from experiencing the truth of who I am because of who God says I am. Not who others say I am. There is a deep unshakeable confidence in this that cannot be denied or taken, because my confidence lies in Jesus. 

I know who I am because of who He says I am. 

I know how loved I am and am more capable of giving love now because of that.

I know that I can be safe because He is safe and He lives in me.

I can now move out towards those around me in humble confidence and safety.

Examples

We can learn how to be safer in many ways. But why not look at the best examples?

Who is yours?

Mine is Jesus Christ. 

He was not a man that held onto control. He was a man that surrendered, in the right way and at the right time.

He was not a man who shied away from pain and discomfort….from the places no one else would go and the people no one else would touch. He moved towards those places and people. 

He was not afraid to cry, or to cry out. Or to bear his heart. 

He walked in complete truth.

He invited and welcomed. 

He listened and comforted. 

He spoke when it was necessary, and did not when it was wise to be silent.

He was a man who bore the burdens of others

He bore our sins, and yet he surrendered his life entirely to his Father, for the lives of others.

He came to serve, not to be served.

He came to protect those who were given to him.

He came to provide something that can never be taken away.

He was, and is still, safe. perfectly so. 

Becoming Safer Men: Action

Today, How do I become a safer man?

Here are 3 steps towards a simple start.

1. Listen. Open up your heart to learn.

2. Begin by looking at good examples and studying them.

I study Jesus; The gospel of John and the TV series The Chosen have been great places to learn about who he was and who he is.

3. Move away from loneliness, and into community.

There are plenty of resources and groups for men here in Charleston. You are NOT alone! Don’t act like you are. Journey together and grow with other men. Look for men who are becoming safer each day.

I want to be a safer man. Join me!

Alex Gerber

thoughts or comments?

803-237-0628

gerberxc@gmail.com

I write and share from a man’s point of view. I would recommend resources written by women (such as first reference below) on this topic to bring more clarity.

References:

https://www.robynmoriarty.com/resources/2368418_the-most-dangerous-man

https://www.discipleshipconnections.com/home/what-is-a-safe-man