I recently had a chance to sit down at a meal with men who have—and are—facing divorce, and experience the power of men showing up authentically and vulnerably. I want to share a few things I’ve learned along the way from these conversations and my own experience.

💬 Tell the Truth. Do what is Right

No matter how hard it is, or how much it costs you. 

Notes: even in a separation or divorce, you can reflect what God asks of you and your life in the decisions you make and in the actions you take. Show up with integrity! Show up with compassion! Show up with confidence that he has equipped you to do what is right, regardless of your situation.

💬 Community Matters. 

Telling your story truthfully and in safe spaces brings healing. For men, having community is critical.

Note: Don’t go alone. You have a choice! Having men around you to challenge you and call you forward when your actions do not align with what you say or value could be an essential component in helping you change course BEFORE catastrophe forces you to change (i.e separation and divorce)

💬 Provision Doesn’t Equal Connection.

Houses, cars, and money don’t replace intimacy, listening, and attentiveness and care in a marriage. 

Note: Guys, just because you are providing all these “things” for your family and your wife doesn’t mean that this corresponds to the quality of your marriage and the quality of your relationship. If you don’t invest in your marriage relationship foremost, everything else is almost for nothing. You are called to provide relationaly and materially—don’t neglect either one!

💬 Don’t Ignore Warnings.

Problems don’t fix themselves; act before it’s too late. 

Note: has she given you any indications that things in your relationship may not be okay? Has your partner expressed in any way that she is not happy or that there is an area you need to change? Have you approached her with gentleness to ask her to give feedback to the quality of your relationship and how you can show up better for her, and provided a safe space for her to respond to this question honestly? How is your awareness?

💬 Take Responsibility.

Own your part with humility; growth starts with honesty and a heart that is open to learn and understand. 

Note: Don’t blame. Instead of being stuck in someone else’s actions (i.e. your ex), ask “What do I need to do? What can I do? What does this situation call me to do?” then DO it!

💬 Stay Engaged. Be Present. 

Men may become “replaceable” when they stop showing up emotionally.

Notes: show up! Be present. If you are in a marriage or relationship, focus your thoughts and your attention towards her and what she needs when you are with her. Listen!

💬 Hidden Pain Keeps Hurting. 

Outward toughness often hides inward pain and longing.

Note: are you acting tough to cover something that hurts inside? Do you have any hidden pain? Do you have any unaddressed hurt or wounding? If so, what are you willing to do about it? Take the steps you need to take to address this. 

💬 Have Confidence

True strength comes from inner character, not status or success. 

Note: True confidence comes from understanding your identity. If you are in Christ, you should know exactly who you are and act according to that. Show up consistently present, confident and hopeful, eager and attentive, and listening to understand. Confidence is attractive. Passivity is repulsive. The source of your confidence is critical. Where is yours? Check out Ephesians 3:12

Growth for Men

▶️ Prioritize your provision of relationship.  

▶️ Be proactive in addressing struggles.

▶️ Show up with presence, not just provision.

▶️ Seek brotherhood. 

▶️ Build confidence in who you are, not in what you own or provide materially.  

Impact on Relationships: Your Action Steps

👣 Bring Connection To Bring Comfort and Safety: Real intimacy sustains marriage.

👣 Have Honest Check-Ins: Don’t just assume “everything’s fine.” Get real. Get deep.

👣 Bring Indispensable Love: Emotional presence makes you irreplaceable.

👣 Provide Growth-Oriented Partnership: Build together, not just provide.

👉 Takeaway:

A man’s true strength is shown not in what he materially provides, but in how he connects, listens, and loves.