I’ll admit, this topic feels sucky to write about.
To me, there seems to be nothing harder–and nothing more revealing to who I am–than how I communicate with my ex. Each day–each message–provides an opportunity to either choose selfish ambition, or to show up better and move forward with greater love, humility, understanding, and kindness.
I am sorry if you’ve had to walk this journey and you can relate to this. If you are in a situation where you have to communicate with your ex regularly, I hope this writing provides encouragement as well as something positive to reflect on in the future.
Learning
I reviewed a year’s worth of my own messages sent to my ex. I was wondering, do I practice what I preach? Are my words, my tone and my attitudes conveyed reflective of the values I am encouraging others towards?
It did not take too long to realize that I am often missing the mark. Encouragingly, I could see that over the past year, personal growth and positive movement had happened, but slower than I would have wanted. And also, with more than one missed opportunity. Upon review, my messages tended to be “informationally heavy, corrective, and assertive of my own will”, rather than conveyed consistently with humility and gentle understanding.
In reviewing my communication, this is what I have learned. I hope this will help you in your journey.
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1. Give yourself grace. And, give your ex grace.
2. Extend compassion and mercy in your words, messages, and corresponding actions.
3. Ask honest questions for deeper understanding of your ex, and yourself.
4. Use your resources well. While the use of advanced technology to review mass amounts of text information can be helpful and powerful, there are also considerations to take into place. Be sure to use your own mind, and use it in partnership with true wisdom.*
5. Ask a friend, where appropriate, to review your attitude and your responses. Ask him or her to review your communication with the clear intention, “Am I seeking to understand my ex from the right perspective?”
6. Look at yourself first. Usually, the frustrations I may have towards my ex have often first been revealed within myself.*
Please note, nothing here equates to passivity, weakness, or stepping away from personal responsibility.
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But,
You might say, “you have no clue…my ex is completely unreasonable.”
Ok.
But, this doesn’t change your responsibility to desire and pursue growth in personal character traits such as love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, and goodness–in whatever situation, or person, you are communicating with.
Final Thoughts
There is certainly a difference in dynamics between seeking to understand my now-ex, versus seeking to understand her as my spouse. We are no longer one. We live separate lives. We make separate choices and decisions. The only overlap comes with regards to our children.
But, there is still a relevance and need of developing a greater understanding of her and what she desires–as the mother of our children. And to communicate well.
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Moving Forward
→What is one thing you can review or change about your communication with your ex?
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* Resources:
“…Look at yourself first”
“…True Wisdom”
Moving Forward 
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