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The dynamics of divorce, and the fallout–especially with children involved–can be complex, challenging, and even hair-pulling. Communication can sometimes feel like mudslinging. You may often feel that things will never get better. In situations when post-divorce conflict and conversational difficulties continue, it is easy to wonder if it is possible to ever communicate well with your ex.

One thing I appreciate when it comes to co-parenting after divorce is that the aim is clear– do what is best for the children. If that mission is in mind for every message or exchange, it can help keep things on track. 

If you find yourself, as I do, using primarily message-based communication, you have likely seen the upsides as well as significant challenges. One good feature of some co-parenting apps is that they can check the tone conveyed in the messages. But, the technology lacks the ability to fully assess the motives and the intent within the message. And that, I believe, is the most important metric. Can I stand behind each message I send and say that my intentions were truly for the best of the children? Or was I motivated by some personal vendetta, past wrong, or feeling in response to something my ex said?

Learning to consistently communicate kindly with your ex is a huge challenge, but also a huge opportunity.  And while things may get more friendly and polite over time, our motives and intentions are only changed through heart change. 

To answer the title question, yes, I believe it is possible to communicate kindly, regardless of the situation you may be in. But, it will likely take time, effort, and perhaps a change of heart. For me personally, this change in heart flourishes the more that I seek God and allow him to work in my heart, thereby giving humility and gentleness the opportunity to grow.

Consider this: Each exchange or message may be an opportunity, no matter how small, to look for and seek redemption and reconciliation in a relationship that has been damaged.

Moving Forward

How is your relational or divorce situation being used to change your heart today?

What I have learned

I am far from perfect; I have many messages I wish I could unsend. Growth is taking time, often slower than I wish. To help myself stay on track, I often ask myself, “What is best for the kids in this message I am about to send?” Here, I have to evaluate my heart; my attitude, motives, and intention behind the message I’m about to send. What am I hoping to convey and how do I want to convey it? 

For the content and approach of the message, I am learning to ask, how can I say this so that what I am trying to communicate is conveyed in love, kindness, humility and gentleness? I do believe it is possible to do this more consistently, while still standing firm where I need to stay firm, and yielding where I need to yield; while being more understanding and open to feedback, but also strong in the convictions and principles that I believe are best for my children. 

Questions or comments? Gerberxc@gmail.com 

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Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Ephesians 4:2