Moving Forward aims to build up men and women; here we hope to build up divorced dads for stronger father-child relationships and families.

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For men, divorce is often filled with feelings of guilt and shame. For fathers, it may also come with a loss of time with children, which can feel crushing. In my divorce, I remember wondering if there was any hope for what I had lost. 

I’ve heard about how important the amount of time fathers have with their children is. But what happens when that time is taken away through divorce? In a world where time with our children is already competing against other things in the busyness of life and work, where do divorced dads look for hope when faced with more loss of time with their kids?

Dads–I hope here to offer you a chance to shape your perspective and find opportunity for deeper relationships with your children, even in the aftermath of divorce. I believe that stronger connections and a hopeful future–even with less time–can become reality. 

I have seen 3 necessary elements for the kind of soil needed to grow and deepen a divorced dad’s relationships with his children; they are…

• A changed perspective
• Living wisely
• A softened heart 

Perspective Change

Shifting focus from loss to what can be gained can feel impossible in divorce. You might wonder, “How can I possibly look ahead hopefully, when my time is cut with my kids?” But, there is an opportunity for good and gain within those relationships. Understanding that the small things you are currently doing to build deeper relationships with your children can grow into large things in the future may motivate you to invest in what’s here and now.

This perspective shift doesn’t happen overnight; be patient, and look up ahead. 

Living Wisely

In divorce, a man can find opportunity. An opportunity to examine his life and reflect on what really matters. There will be opportunities to build deeper relationships with your kids in whatever time arrangement you have. These opportunities may be less than before, so be wise and make them count. Be present and intentional with your children. Invest the time you do have wisely. I have seen redemption happen in these relationships and I believe the future harvest of your present efforts can be great. 

Look for moments of opportunity–and keep a long-term perspective in mind; this will help when you don’t feel like things are moving ahead as you would like them to. 

A Softened Heart

The humbling nature of going through divorce can be–for any of us men–an opportunity for a softer heart, especially towards our children. Understanding what our children are going through in a divorce may lead to greater empathy and more intentional investment ahead. Our kids are perceptive– they will likely sense what direction our hearts are turning. Is your heart turning towards them? Where your heart goes, your time will follow.

Closing Out: Redemption

The one thing I’ve told many people is that the half-time I have now is richer than the full-time I had before. I have seen God redeem the time I have with my girls in great ways. And while I’ve heard that time is the one resource that cannot be stored, controlled, or recovered, it can be redeemed. 

If your situation feels bleak; if your past is a wreck; if your future feels hopeless, know this—God is the great Redeemer. Don’t lose hope! 

Your agreement is not the holder of your future; He is. Draw near to Him today and invest your heart and time in a relationship with Him. He redeems those who turn to Him. 

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Moving Forward

Practically, begin to build small habits for big future change. 

→Consider making sure your phone is put away for dinner time and prioritize a sit-down dinner with your children on the nights you have them. Even if dinner just lasts 15 minutes. Be present.

→Be present for bedtime. Screens/phones away, have some time to answer their questions and listen to their imagination speak, especially if they are younger. 

→When your children are away, look for opportunities to invest your time in other good ways. (More on this, later)

→Aim your heart towards loving and caring for your children’s hearts well. This will not go without future fruit. 

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Ephesians 5:15-17: So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 

Questions or comments? gerberxc@gmail.com

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Shame and guilt over loss can limit forward progress and relational growth with our children; moving through these feelings is critical for men. Working through these requires support and often professional resources. Consider a local counselor to help with this.