“Happy is the man who finds wisdom and understanding in ashes; whose character is well-refined in the fires of life; who experiences his Creator when he has nowhere else to turn.”

Divorce papers served. Death of a parent. A long-time job terminated. Losing a friend. A miscarriage. A stroke leaving no ability to stand or walk.

What do men do when life hits hard—when the pain of circumstances takes our breath and strength away?

How we respond to and walk through our loss, suffering, and grief will determine how our future is shaped—not only for ourselves, but for all of those around us, and generations beyond.

The Paths We Take

In experiencing suffering, loss, and grief, men have many paths to take. None of them are exactly the same. As the shock subsides,

We can numb out. We can stop functioning. We can try to cope. We can skip grief. We can ignore the pain. We can refuse to process it.

We can project it onto others. We can let pain give way to blame. And failure. And doubt. And fear.

We can face it. We can walk through it, with others. We can become refined by it.

And as there are many paths a man can take through or around grief, the “destinations” vary. No man does this grief-thing perfectly, but if there is some future sense of “arrival” for him beyond the grief, some arrivals are clearly better than others.

Driving By

It can feel instinctive to bypass our grieving; or, to just do it alone. Acknowledging the realities of life can be immensely painful and devastating. It may appear to be better–or at least, more efficient– to drive past the exit sign marked “Grief” and continue on life’s highway, busier and faster than ever.

But I believe these losses don’t get left behind in the rearview. They often get tossed in the trunk, and there, they follow us. We—knowingly or unknowingly—carry them with us as our life and relationships continue. And if left untended and unprocessed, they can fester and rot, weigh us down, and carry high-cost future implications for our relationships and legacy.

Although I can see advantages for men in being able to keep “pushing on” when life hits hard, there are sad examples of guys who put grief in the trunk, hit the gas, and end up making a wreck of their relationships and their futures.

Examples

Men, can we allow good transformation to occur through our grief, and could it be possible that those around us would benefit from how we move through mourning?

I thought of examples I look towards in understanding how I can walk through my own grief.

I look at David, a man who was filled with vulnerable, raw emotion. He found the ground often. He was sleepless, persistent, questioning, honest, prayerful, and visible in his grief.

I think of Job – he lost everything! His possessions, his children, his health, and even the respect from his wife. He shaved his head and tore his robe in grief. There was no hiding—he brought his grief face first into worship. He spoke honestly about his questions and the pain he was processing.

I look at Abraham Lincoln, “a man acquainted with sorrow” – how, in loss of his mother, sister, and son, and unfathomable Civil War losses – he experienced heavy grief. Yet, he was moved towards action and compassionate leadership.

What I see in these examples of men who have grieved is that their grief is honest, expressed, engaged, and it becomes transformed through trust.

Grief, Trust, and Compassion

Trusting and allowing God to use suffering, grief, and loss to shape character–and grow humility, empathy, patience, and compassion– can transform a willing man’s heart during and after these experiences. Moving through suffering engaged with God, no matter how hard it feels, may also allow you to show compassion to others who are going through suffering.

The Brokenhearted

Where we go with our grief matters— look at Lincoln, Job, and David. Their grief moved to action—their losses turned to gain, their lows into leadership—not on their own strength or power, but with God—by allowing God to carry them and use their grief to shape their character. And the impacts were profound, not only by themselves, but by many, many others.

You may be looking at your situation and questioning God. For me, it felt natural to wonder where he was in the pain of my circumstances–and to question why he was allowing certain things to happen. Perhaps, you see his hand more in the “taking away”, rather than the “reaching towards” and asking you to draw near to him in your grief.

No matter where you are, I hope you can know this–there is one perfect example we men can look towards if we want to mourn well. There is one who faced beyond what any of us have—one who carried the weight of all of the grief and loss and suffering this world has ever held.

Jesus is near, inviting us to come towards him, especially in our darkest hours, with our broken hearts.

Moving Forward

Today—is there any loss, grief, hurt or sadness you need to face and begin to process? Don’t do this alone.

Professional guidance, like counseling, is available, beneficial and critical. Grief support groups are also helpful.

Allow other men to walk with you and come near to lift you up when needed.

Remember, there are many paths a man can take through or around grief, but it is where we bring our grieving hearts that is what truly matters.

So, no matter where you are with faith and spirituality, stay engaged with God.

Finally, I encourage you—move towards Jesus today. He is ready for all of your grief.

–Alex Gerber

Gerberxc@gmail.com
Moving Forward
http://www.movingforwardcontent.com