I’ll admit, this topic feels sucky to write about.
To me, there seems to be nothing harder–and nothing more revealing to who I am–than how I communicate with my ex. Each day–each message–provides an opportunity to either choose selfish ambition, or to show up better and move forward with greater love, humility, understanding, and kindness.
I am sorry if you’ve had to walk this journey and you can relate to this. If you are in a situation where you have to communicate with your ex regularly, I hope this writing provides encouragement as well as something positive to reflect on in the future.
Learning
I reviewed a year’s worth of my own messages sent to my ex. I was wondering,do I practice what I preach? Are my words, my tone and my attitudes conveyed reflective of the values I am encouraging others towards?
It did not take too long to realize that I am often missing the mark. Encouragingly, I could see that over the past year, personal growth and positive movement had happened, but slower than I would have wanted. And also, with more than one missed opportunity. Upon review, my messages tended to be “informationally heavy, corrective, and assertive of my own will”, rather than conveyed consistently with humility and gentle understanding.
In reviewing my communication, this is what I have learned. I hope this will help you in your journey.
__________________________
1. Give yourself grace. And, give your ex grace.
2. Extend compassion and mercy in your words, messages, and corresponding actions.
3. Ask honest questions for deeper understanding of your ex, and yourself.
4. Use your resources well. While the use of advanced technology to review mass amounts of text information can be helpful and powerful, there are also considerations to take into place. Be sure to use your own mind, and use it in partnership with true wisdom.*
5. Ask a friend, where appropriate, to review your attitude and your responses. Ask him or her to review your communication with the clear intention, “Am I seeking to understand my ex from the right perspective?”
6. Look at yourself first. Usually, the frustrations I may have towards my ex have often first been revealed within myself.*
Please note, nothing here equates to passivity, weakness, or stepping away from personal responsibility.
__________________________
But,
You might say, “you have no clue…my ex is completely unreasonable.”
Ok.
But, this doesn’t change your responsibility to desire and pursue growth in personal character traits such as love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, and goodness–in whatever situation, or person, you are communicating with.
Final Thoughts
There is certainly a difference in dynamics between seeking to understand my now-ex, versus seeking to understand her as my spouse. We are no longer one. We live separate lives. We make separate choices and decisions. The only overlap comes with regards to our children.
But, there is still a relevance and need of developing a greater understanding of her and what she desires–as the mother of our children. And to communicate well.
__________________________
Moving Forward
→What is one thing you can review or change about your communication with your ex?
If you’ve ever been in a kayak–even in a light current–when you aren’t paying attention you can end up far from where you were. I’ve experienced this–I’ve drifted far from where I started and it took a good bit of effort to get back on track.
When it comes to kayaks–and life in general–I am certainly not a perfect captain. I do–and will–make mistakes. But, I have been learning that my ability to anticipate danger or respond to my own mistakes and redirect course is critical.
I am more and more convinced that two of the most important things that I can do is to quickly recognize when my ship is veering off course and redirect it towards the right course. And, learn how to stay on course.
So then, how do I know the right course for my ship? How do I anticipate what lies ahead? How do I know which way to turn the ship in mindless drift? Or respond in the chaos of the storm?
I have been discovering something that–to me–has the power to change my course for the best, and keep me truly on course when drift or challenges threaten to pull me away.
This something, this power, is wisdom.
This kind of wisdom doesn’t come from myself. I am ignorant–often distracted, blind, or unaware of my own drift or shortcomings. I need wisdom outside of myself. Wisdom that is real. And true. Wisdom from something–or someone greater. I need wisdom that has the power to keep me on course, and respond appropriately and rightly when I drift or disaster strikes.
I found that the book of James (Chapter 3) speaks of this kind of wisdom. According to the author, this wisdom is:
From God. And True.
True wisdom is…
• Authentic and real – it is never fake or manipulative.
• Good to the core – its motives are pure.
• Peace loving – it looks for harmony, not drama or division.
• Kind and gentle – it is strong but never harsh.
• Willing to listen and adjust – it is open to reason, not stubborn.
• Overflowing with mercy – it is quick to forgive, eager to help.
• Full of good actions – it shows up in what we actually do.
• Fair and unbiased – it treats everyone the same.
• Genuine through and through – it has no hidden agenda.
• Works for reconciliation – it mends relationships and builds unity.
• Free of envy, rivalry, or ego – it is not driven by jealousy or pride.
This wisdom is humble and is lived out in humble action. This wisdom has words and actions that bring stability, order, and real goodness. I’ve seen, tasted, felt and experienced this wisdom. It is true, and it is real. It brings great change. And it is found in relationship with Him, The One God who is perfect wisdom.
If the one who knows us the best–the one who designed us–gives insight and wisdom towards the best course for our life, can we listen and consider applying this?
Moving Forward:
–>Can you evaluate your decisions, responses, and actions by this wisdom?
–>Do the decisions you are making and actions you are taking align with this wisdom? Is it time to re-evaluate?
Most men that I know want to be respected. It is critically important to them–in their marriages, parenting, workplaces, and relationships. Respect is often deeply tied to a man’s identity–when a man feels respected, he may feel like he can conquer the world! But when a man feels he has lost respect, he often becomes crushed or discouraged.
My curiosity had me asking, “what truly is a “respectable”man?”
In asking this question, I wondered:
What would women say a respectable man is?
What would men say?
How would the responses of men and women align or differ?
How would the responses align with God’s Word?
If men fail to gain the respect they desire–in marriage, parenting, relationships or work–what happens and what can be done?
What can men learn from this survey and information?
In answering these questions, I will share insight collected from the individuals surveyed, ChatGPT, and my personal experience as well as what I understand from the Bible.
Methods and Clarification
I surveyed a group of approximately 20 individuals; women and men that I know. The question “what is a respectable man?” was asked via text message. I received responses back from 9 women and 6 men.
-By “respectable”, I personally meant a man who is honorable, worthy of being followed, held in good regard and esteem.
-Summaries of the responses presented: These summaries come from my own review + ChatGPT + the Bible to analyze trends and provide insight
Limitations:
-Small sample size
-Small feedback diversity: majority of individuals sampled hold to Christian beliefs
_________________________________
Question 1
What is a Respectable Man? Women’s Responses
The following are the 9 responses I received back from women.
_________________________________
“In my opinion a respectable man is not a selfish man, but someone who truly cares about the feelings of others, and also shows that they care in a loving way. He’s also a man who can open up his heart with honesty and let someone know how he feels without hurting that person. To sum it up a respectable man is worthy of respect, someone who others look up to and admire, someone God fearing.”
_________________________________
“I describe a respectable man, as a gentleman. One who is polite, chivalrous, and Godly. An intellectual who has presence, and is also present. When he steps in a room, he commands respect. One who is stable and secure within himself.”
_________________________________
“A respectable man would treat me as Christ loves the church and protects me”
_________________________________
“I expect the man to show up capable and if he isn’t to have the desire and will to figure it out without complaint or cessation… to be well postured, a gentleman, well dressed and put together…to hold himself to a high standard- spiritually, relationally, physically, mentally and emotionally…to be in a balanced state of acceptance and growth and learning…to lead and correct and to challenge when necessary…to know when and what to fight for and how to do it…to know himself and to walk with a high level of confidence because he’s earned it through experience…to stay connected and engaged and to serve and to care.”
_________________________________
“A man that wears a smile as a beacon to his heart. A man that is reliable with every word he speaks. One that is, dear with every thing he promises. A man that you know when you see him peace is the objective of his life. And that peace flows into the main course of your lives together.”
_________________________________
“I would say that a respectable man is a man that stays true to his word. He has empathy and he treats everyone around him the way he wants to be treated himself. He’s responsible with his obligations and is willing to wholeheartedly follow God’s will regarding how a man should carry himself and how he should treat his wife and provide for his family.”
_________________________________
“Since you asked, I’ll tell…Respectable men are heroes in their own way. Kindness is evidence of impenetrable strength. Steady currents of service. Redirection if necessary. A little less grip on the steering wheel:) Ability to release your familiar happiness. Sacrificing. Better boundaries in the most unexpected ways. Acceptance of new levels of integrity in real time. Able to live mindfully with a strong sense of your inner compass. Practice the pause. Life is cautionary! Openness in meaningful relationships. Carve out that depth with transparency and truth. Principled. Unlock wisdom and savor it completely. Stop engaging with old habits and collaborate with God. Contentment. It becomes the truth you carry. Fear of the Lord is paramount! You are his image bearer! Wear his coat well!”
_________________________________
“Kind, honest, compassionate, respects all other people always. Respect their spouses, their parents, their friends, their colleagues, the person checking them out at the grocery store, the plumber fixing the sink, the woman at the DMV, the family with a crying kid at the baseball game, etc. Holds space for others to have different views, express their thoughts, and engage in meaningful conversations. Has extra smiles for kids and older folks because they need the smiles the most. Is generous with their time and their finances. Is competent and capable and hard working. Ok with being imperfect and with others being imperfect. Leads with dignity and compassion and humor.Respect themselves too”
_________________________________
“A man must have a relationship with the Lord, a reverence for God first and a recognition that every person is created in God’s image. This gives value to others. Treating everyone with proper respect is demonstrated through action: Humble thinking about yourself and others, inward self-control, prioritizing the needs and well-being of others, treating them with empathy, kindness and consideration, shows others that you reverence God’s holiness and authority in your life.”
_________________________________
Thank you, women, for your responses!
In Summary, from Women
A respectable man is God-centered, trustworthy, humble, and courageous. He is a man who leads with service, treats every person with dignity, and lives with steady integrity in both character and action.
_________________________________
Question 2
What is a Respectable Man: Men’s Responses
I also asked men to answer “what is a respectable man?”. Here are the responses that I received.
_________________________________
“Someone with integrity who is outwardly focused. That’s my first thought!”
_________________________________
“It’s kinda weird because you asked what makes a respectable man, and I immediately think, well, that’s a very outward view of how others perceive someone. I think it starts internally, showing respect for one’s self and other, with care, kindness, dignity, and understanding. Focusing on this kind of respect creates creates that outward respect as people interact with you, you know, treat others the way you’d like to be treated. I feel respect is led through genuine kindness and it shows through our actions and how we interact with others. And it’s what’s passed on, it’s how we get out of cycles of violence, poverty, and disrespect for others. We lead from a space of love and kindness.”
_________________________________
“Integrity and honesty: He lives by his principles, keeps his word, and is truthful even when it’s inconvenient. This builds trust and sets him apart as dependable. Kindness: He shows compassion, treats others with respect, and considers their feelings without expecting anything in return. Self-confidence and emotional regulation: He maintains composure, believes in himself without arrogance, and handles emotions maturely, not reacting impulsively. Responsibility and perseverance: He owns his mistakes, follows through on commitments, and persists through challenges with ingenuity and calmness. Respect for boundaries: He honors others’ limits, sets his own, and prioritizes mutual well-being in relationships. Open-mindedness and humility: He listens to different viewpoints, admits when he’s wrong, and strives for personal growth without ego. Also, 2 Peter 1:5-10”
_________________________________
“Men don’t desire respect. We need it. We only desire love. Women are the opposite. They desire respect but need love.
_________________________________
“A respectable man is one that is Godly. Imposes their will for good and not self gain. One that can adequately lead, protect and provide. “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 ESV”
_________________________________
“A respectable man is a man that carries himself with integrity in all walks of his life. That man’s actions line up with his words. He takes responsibility when he messes up instead of deflecting blame. While taking responsibility he would always apologize when needed. In relationships, a respectable man would see his partner as an equal, but still steps up to lead with purpose. He does not let his anger or ego detour him from making the right decision. He would listen and hear and not listen for his turn to speak. The man would be willing to protect. Outside of his relationship, put down others or oppress others for selfish benefit. Regardless of status he would consider others above himself. He would walk with humility and has a desire to grow.”
_________________________________
Thank you, men, for your responses!
In Summary, from Men
A respectable man is a man of solid inner character—anchored in integrity, honesty, and faith—who lives consistently with his values. He is self-disciplined and emotionally steady, taking responsibility, keeping his word, and respecting healthy boundaries. He leads, protects, and provides with courage and humility, treats others with care and fairness, and continually seeks growth so that his life reflects God’s purpose and earns genuine respect.
_________________________________
Question 3
What I Learned: How the Responses of Men and Women Surveyed Align or Differ
How women view “respectable.” Women surveyed here seem to focus on the relational experience of character. They describe how a man’s inner life shows up in everyday presence—kindness, warmth, reliability, joy, peace, and even appearance and demeanor. They stress how he treats people (from loved ones to strangers), how safe and valued others feel around him, and his capacity to cherish and protect.
How men view “respectable.” Men surveyed here seem focus on the “inner architecture” of character. They describe respectability as something built from the inside out: integrity that matches words and actions, emotional steadiness, self-respect, clear boundaries, and perseverance through difficulty. They see these internal disciplines as what creates the outward respect of others. Their language often stresses responsibility, need for respect, and the call to lead, protect, and provide.
Women and men surveyed here describe a respectable man in similar terms—grounded in God, integrity, humility, and steady leadership—but from different angles.
Men communicated the importance of the inner framework: self-respect, emotional regulation, responsibility, perseverance, and clear boundaries, seeing inner mastery as the source of outward respect.
Women emphasized the relational atmosphere he creates: kindness, joy, presence, dependable action, and even physical poise that makes others feel safe and valued.
Together, their views formed a whole picture: a man who is God-centered and self-disciplined, whose character producesoutward service, protection, and a peaceful, welcoming presence that inspires trust and admiration.
_________________________________
Question 4
How do the responses align with God’s Word?
In 1 Timothy 3, Paul paints a picture of a leader within the church. To me, this is a visualization of what I think of when I think of a “respectable” man.
He says, “This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be a church leader, he desires an honorable position.” 2 So a church leader must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?
To Summarize…this leader is
Above reproach – blameless in reputation; nothing in his life brings dishonor to Christ or the church.
Faithful in marriage & family – devoted to one wife, manages household and children well.
Self-controlled and sober-minded – clear-thinking, disciplined, not given to excess or quick anger.
Respectable and hospitable – dignified, welcoming, kind to strangers.
Able to teach – grounded in Scripture and able to communicate truth wisely.
Gentle, not quarrelsome – patient and peace-loving, not argumentative or violent.
Not greedy – free from love of money; generous and content.
Spiritually mature – not a new convert; tested and proven.
And he has a…
Good reputation with outsiders – respected even beyond the church.
As a whole, the Bible presents a respectable man as…
A man who fears God and walks in integrity (Proverbs 1:7; Micah 6:8).
A man who is faithful in relationships—loving his wife and family sacrificially (Ephesians 5:25), providing and protecting them (1 Timothy 5:8).
A man who is just and honest in work and dealings (Proverbs 11:1), self-controlled and humble (Galatians 5:22-23; Philippians 2:3), and courageous in doing right (Joshua 1:9).
A man who treats every person with kindness and fairness (Luke 6:31; James 1:27), uses his words to build up, not tear down (Ephesians 4:29), and remains steadfast in trials (James 1:12).
In Summary
God’s Word calls a man respectable when his reverence for God shapes his character, relationships, and leadership, so that his life consistently blesses others and reflects Christ.
_________________________________
Question 5
What If I Fail?
If men fail to gain or keep the respect they desire–in marriage, parenting, relationships or work–what happens? What can be done about this?
This will be explored in later writing.But in short, go to Question 6 — continue to learn and grow. Despite where you may have fallen short, there is opportunity to turn and move forward!
_________________________________
Question 6
What Can Men Learn? Action For Men–How to Grow as a Truly Respectable Man
Live with integrity. Keep your word in small and big things. Let actions and words always match.
Live by truth. And know what truth you live by. Explore God’s timeless truth.
Stay steady. Practice self-control. Pause before reacting. Handle stress and conflict with calm.
Walk with God. Spend time in Scripture and prayer. Let faith guide decisions and give strength.
Keep growing. Invite honest feedback, admit mistakes, and keep learning.
Lead and serve. Take initiative at home, work, and in community. Protect and provide with humility and gentleness.
Create peace around you. Be kind and generous. Treat everyone—from family to strangers—with respect so people feel valued and safe.
Love deeply–take risks, to show love and demonstrate love to those in your life.
The Bottom Line: Build strong character on the inside and let it show on the outside through steady, caring action.
If you have faith in Christ, allow the Spirit to transform your heart to produce these attributes of Godly character. I personally believe these inward characteristics, worthy of respect and honor, are not formed simply by self-effort…they are driven by true heart-transformation through the power of the Holy Spirit working within a tender, responsive heart.
“I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” Ezekiel 36: 26
If you know lasting hope, set out before you–hope that cannot be taken or shaken, then it is possible, regardless of the circumstances…to ALWAYS be able to praise + rejoice + give thanks–in the morning, the midday, and the in dark of night.
The 6 verses of Psalm 23 are short, but packed with richness–about provision, protection, leadership and presence.
I often think about what women need from men, and these elements in Psalm 23 stuck out to me in how it describes what God gives his people. I think these reflect what a good man should strive to consistently give his woman.
These are simply stated here–explore in depth on your own!
The “Good Shepherd” Gives….
1. Provision→ vs 1
2. Rest→ vs 2
3. Leadership + Discerning Guidance→vs 2-3
4. Encouragement and Strengthening→vs 3
5. Presence in All Circumstances→ vs 4
6. Protection and Comfort → vs 4
7. Honor and Celebration → vs 5
8. Faithfulness and Goodness→ vs 6
9. Unfailing Love and Pursuit→ vs 6
10. Life→ vs 6
I encourage you to read this Psalm yourself to unpack these elements.
Reflections for Men
→As you read the list above, what are your strengths and in what areas are you showing up strong?
→In what areas can you continue to build?
→How are you bringing her “life”?
Reflections for Women
→Where do you see his greatest strengths in the provision of these relational elements?
Men: Take Action!
→Consider 1-2 areas that you can focus on this week
→Look for 1-2 ways to bring honor to and celebrate her!
The battle is raging, and I find myself turning and looking around. Where are the men? Where are the fighters? Have they abandoned their posts?
Our city is under attack! Our families are being separated out and isolated! Our children are exposed and vulnerable! Our neighbors–in the very houses next to us– are suffering! The poor, the broken, the weak, the wounded, the widows and orphans, are crying out for help!
Where are the men?
I see a few emerging from the smoky haze. There are some already going among the ranks. They are quiet but selfless. They are helping the wounded. Repairing the walls. Shoring up the foundations and securing the defenses. Several are going out and scouting out the enemy’s positions. Yes–there are some! Fighting with great strength!!
But they are few. Where are the rest?
They are behind. Overwhelmed. Incapacitated. Just trying to survive. In the thick of their own battles, fighting desperately with all they have. Exhausted, trying to hold secure the defenses of their homes and save themselves and their families.
Some are being overwhelmed. They’re fighting but they are weak–they need relief.
Some are down–lying wounded. Bleeding. In pain.
Some are dead–their battle is over.
And many are…wait, what?! Is that what I think I see?! They’re sitting down. Surrounded by food and drink. Laughing and enjoying themselves. Eating their fill. Oblivious to a battle around them. Their weapons have been dropped and abandoned. Their posts are empty. Their families and neighbors are being taken away! Their houses are being plundered! Everything of value is being stripped from them–and they are oblivious–lost in their own selves and enjoying the gluttony of comfort!
Step up, boys! Be men! Pick up your weapons! Stand your ground! Fight! You are giving away all that you have and all that you are. Be men!
I recently had a chance to sit down at a meal with men who have—and are—facing divorce, and experience the power of men showing up authentically and vulnerably. I want to share a few things I’ve learned along the way from these conversations and my own experience.
💬 Tell the Truth. Do what is Right
No matter how hard it is, or how much it costs you.
Notes: even in a separation or divorce, you can reflect what God asks of you and your life in the decisions you make and in the actions you take. Show up with integrity! Show up with compassion! Show up with confidence that he has equipped you to do what is right, regardless of your situation.
💬 Community Matters.
Telling your story truthfully and in safe spaces brings healing. For men, having community is critical.
Note: Don’t go alone. You have a choice! Having men around you to challenge you and call you forward when your actions do not align with what you say or value could be an essential component in helping you change course BEFORE catastrophe forces you to change (i.e separation and divorce)
💬 Provision Doesn’t Equal Connection.
Houses, cars, and money don’t replace intimacy, listening, and attentiveness and care in a marriage.
Note: Guys, just because you are providing all these “things” for your family and your wife doesn’t mean that this corresponds to the quality of your marriage and the quality of your relationship. If you don’t invest in your marriage relationship foremost, everything else is almost for nothing. You are called to provide relationaly and materially—don’t neglect either one!
💬 Don’t Ignore Warnings.
Problems don’t fix themselves; act before it’s too late.
Note: has she given you any indications that things in your relationship may not be okay? Has your partner expressed in any way that she is not happy or that there is an area you need to change? Have you approached her with gentleness to ask her to give feedback to the quality of your relationship and how you can show up better for her, and provided a safe space for her to respond to this question honestly? How is your awareness?
💬 Take Responsibility.
Own your part with humility; growth starts with honesty and a heart that is open to learn and understand.
Note: Don’t blame. Instead of being stuck in someone else’s actions (i.e. your ex), ask “What do I need to do? What can I do? What does this situation call me to do?” then DO it!
💬 Stay Engaged. Be Present.
Men may become “replaceable” when they stop showing up emotionally.
Notes: show up! Be present. If you are in a marriage or relationship, focus your thoughts and your attention towards her and what she needs when you are with her. Listen!
💬 Hidden Pain Keeps Hurting.
Outward toughness often hides inward pain and longing.
Note: are you acting tough to cover something that hurts inside? Do you have any hidden pain? Do you have any unaddressed hurt or wounding? If so, what are you willing to do about it? Take the steps you need to take to address this.
💬 Have Confidence
True strength comes from inner character, not status or success.
Note: True confidence comes from understanding your identity. If you are in Christ, you should know exactly who you are and act according to that. Show up consistently present, confident and hopeful, eager and attentive, and listening to understand. Confidence is attractive. Passivity is repulsive. The source of your confidence is critical. Where is yours? Check out Ephesians 3:12
Growth for Men
▶️ Prioritize your provision of relationship.
▶️ Be proactive in addressing struggles.
▶️ Show up with presence, not just provision.
▶️ Seek brotherhood.
▶️ Build confidence in who you are, not in what you own or provide materially.
Impact on Relationships: Your Action Steps
👣 Bring Connection To Bring Comfort and Safety: Real intimacy sustains marriage.
👣 Have Honest Check-Ins: Don’t just assume “everything’s fine.” Get real. Get deep.
👣 Bring Indispensable Love: Emotional presence makes you irreplaceable.
👣 Provide Growth-Oriented Partnership: Build together, not just provide.
👉 Takeaway:
A man’s true strength is shown not in what he materially provides, but in how he connects, listens, and loves.
Moving Forward 