There’s a way that seems right to a man

‘Til he’s in over head, and he don’t understand

All the plans he made, it only led him astray.

— Josh Garrels, Morning Light

An Invitation

Men, we can gather together. We can sit around fires and talk openly about real things in our lives. But if we don’t have real accountability, I almost wonder “what’s the point?”

From what I am learning, real accountability takes work. It requires vulnerability, honesty, humility, discipline, time, and dedication. You have to be willing to risk, give, accept feedback, change, and grow, even when it hurts. 

It’s much easier to drift away from the hard work accountability requires, make excuses, or think “I can do this alone” or “I don’t need help.”  In fact, there are quite a few ways to stay hidden from accountability.

I believe most guys want it (at least inwardly). I believe we need it. I’m not presenting a solution here, and I don’t have the answers. But I hope to move you to consider the impact accountability can have on your life. 

To me, real accountability is honest. It faces things lovingly. It tries to restore what has been damaged. And for me, it helps identify my blind spots, my pride, my fears, and my wounds.  I’ve also been learning that real accountability needs the right ingredients, the right connection and the right community. 

Guys, real accountability is worth it. I really believe you will get out of it far more than you might imagine. I believe it shapes us, and it benefits our marriages, families, communities, and society.

Don’t do this alone. It won’t work. Accountability requires relationship. 

Today, I encourage you to find another man who is motivated to live accountably, and commit to put in the work with him.  

Take that step. 

My Journey

I’m not an “expert” in men’s matters. In fact, I have learned some of the most important lessons about being a man through my own failures and missteps. I’ve also learned from the experiences of other men.

Yet, when it comes to men and accountability, I may be a seasoned expert in not doing it well. For many years, I learned the ins and outs of avoiding the difficulty of real, intentional, challenging friendships and accountability. 

But lately, I’ve entered a new season of life where finding community with a few other men who will encourage me, challenge me, call me out when I drift, and confront my sin has become critically important.

While there is much more that could be said, I hope to share a few important things I’ve learned that may help you in your own journey. Here, I want to explore barriers to accountability, and what real accountability takes. 

Where I May Drift

I’ve noticed in my own life that my natural drift is not toward accountability.

Real accountability is hard. It’s often painful. It requires vulnerability, honesty, time, humility, and relationship. It’s much easier to drift away from the real work accountability requires.

Here are some of the places drift may happen:

Lack of Clarity: Who are you accountable to?

Avoidance: “It’s not my business”, “I’ll do it later.”

Passivity or Fear: “I know I need this, but I don’t feel comfortable asking someone.”

Lone Wolf Mentality: “I can do this alone.” “I don’t need help.”

Loss of Community: Through divorce, isolation, or life circumstances

Past Hurt: maybe accountability went wrong, or wasn’t done well. 

Unwillingness: To truly share or confess.

Shadowed Truth: Sharing part of the truth, but not the full depth.

Bouncing: From group to group, friendship to friendship, or “accountability partner” to “accountability partner”.

Running: When accountability becomes uncomfortable or painful.

Lack of Follow Through: Not meeting regularly or implementing what is actually needed.

How It Becomes Real: Accountability Requires (At Least) Two

Accountability is mutual work between men to help each other stay on the right path.

It encourages, warns, corrects, strengthens, and brings hidden things into the light. Real accountability speaks honestly, faces things lovingly, and helps (or tries to) mend what has been damaged in the relationship. 

It is a mutual responsibility to sharpen, refine, protect, and influence another man’s life in a positive way. It requires attentiveness, watchfulness, and actual care, not only for your own life, but for another’s.

Of note, perhaps one major breakdown in accountability happens when two men are not truly aligned. I have observed that it takes at least two committed men, both intentionally seeking to hold each other accountable– gently, humbly, and lovingly– for real accountability to thrive. 

How It Becomes Real: Accountability Requires Investment

Accountability looks like a lot of things: meeting together, speaking truth, listening well, confessing openly, praying, encouraging, correcting, warning, hoping, and loving one another consistently. The first one definitely requires a time investment. Many of the others require an emotional investment. 

You may not have the right foundation for accountability investment if the things below are showing up, or, you may need to work through them together and try to find a solution. 

Over-Busyness: “I just don’t have the time.”

Passivity: Too afraid to speak truth, challenge, correct, or admonish

Poor Follow Through: Saying you’re committed but not consistently showing up

Lack of Care: Your choices, struggles, or mistakes don’t really matter to the other person

It takes time, effort, and work, but let me tell you the investment is worth it. I know the ways I have been shaped through challenging conversations, and how truth brought to me lovingly has mattered more than almost anything else I can think of in my friendships.

How It Becomes Real: Accountability Requires the Right Soil

You have to truly get to know one another.  Without the soil of an actual relationship, it becomes difficult to really know what is happening beneath the surface and for fruit to be produced from the investment. 

Here are a few key “soil” elements to consider:

Consideration: Do they genuinely care?

Safety: A relationship and space where both men feel safe enough to open up honestly

Willingness and Desire: A true motivation to live openly and be accountable

Right Partnership: Cooperation with the right motivation, perspective, and availability

Honesty and Transparency: Saying it how it really is, unafraid to speak truth lovingly

Vulnerability: A willingness to enter the deep and difficult places

Discipline: Consistently meeting, sharing, confessing, and talking

Submission: The humility to truly listen, learn, and change course

Long-Term Perspective: Continuing even when life feels “fine” and things are “status quo”

Soil matters. 

Accountability First Happens Vertically

Who are you accountable to, and why? 

I’ll keep this short: I believe a man must first hold himself accountable to God before anyone else. Otherwise, accountability breaks down.

Real accountability is vertical first.

Accountability Thrives Horizontally

Growing horizontal relationships are integral to thriving accountability.

When I think about the need for men to be in a community that truly loves them and walks alongside them, accountability becomes inseparable from brotherhood. I also believe friendship and accountability are intertwined; they work best together.

I’ve found that regularly meeting with other men, building real friendships, being part of a men’s group, and staying as consistent as possible creates space for accountability to naturally grow. Finding spaces, like around fire pits, meals, coffee, and phone calls, has been helpful. Honestly, just spending time getting to know other guys and allowing them to get to know me has been the best. I’m not perfect at this, but I’m excited about where things are heading. 

In Conclusion 

My key accountability point here is: don’t do this alone. It won’t work. 

Accountability ultimately requires bold truth, gentle love, humility, consistency, and a willingness to truly share life with other men. Men have to show up. 

The benefits to us are tremendous. Deeper friendships can grow. Wisdom can be found. Better choices can be made. Encouragement can be given and received. And we can be strengthened inwardly.

I truly believe that real accountability refines men and benefits marriages, families, communities, and society. We need it. Let’s find spaces and ways to allow it to grow and thrive!

Moving Forward

If you feel far from real accountability, or not where you want to be, you’re not alone. Please don’t be discouraged. 

Consider where and how you can take action today, and where you can begin plugging into a community and friendships. Find a men’ s group close to you and get started.  

For you, 

→ How do you define accountability?

→ Who are you accountable to?

→ How would you want it to look different in your life?

I would love to have your feedback on all of this.

gerberxc@gmail.com

A Word For Accountable Men

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.” — Romans 12:9