I once met a man going through a divorce, who told me a story I am not going to forget.

He was angry at his ex for something that she did, so he went to her home and poured boxes of nails behind the tires of her car. In addition to contempt charges, he was now facing a felony charge because the damages to her car were greater than $2,000– she had very nice tires on her Tesla! I had to wonder what the judge thought when the case was brought in. Stupid. 

This example may be extreme, but I found myself wondering if there was sensible advice to be shared with dads going through divorce— simply put, “don’t do this stuff”. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a former family court judge with years of experience in divorce and family law cases. I want to share some of the key perspectives she shared with me. I encourage you to keep reading, especially if you have children and desire to walk through your situation well, for their sake.

5 Things Judges Hate: Perspective From a Retired Family Court Judge

1. Subjecting the children to your conflict: Whatever you are going through and whatever the issues are, don’t bring your kids in or put them in the middle of the conflict you have with your ex. Protect them from this.  

2. Badmouthing the other parent: A commonly shared no-go. Always speak respectfully about the other parent in front of the children. And, I might add: do this across the board, anywhere, no matter who you are with. Your negative words may come back to haunt you, not only in court, but down the line in your relationship with your children and the other parent. 

3. Attempting to micromanage the other parent’s parenting time: Don’t overreach. Don’t schedule events on the other parent’s time, or attempt to manipulate and micromanage what they are doing with the kids during their custodial time.

4. Failing to notify the other parent of major life events: Major medical changes, awards, school events or events of significance to the children? Don’t leave the other parent out– communicate! This will help your kids and your co-parent.  

5. Being Hypocritical: Mean what you say, and be prepared to live by what you fight for. If you fight for 50% custody in court, you had better be there, present, for your kids during your time. Be ready to hold up to and live out what you agreed to and fought for as best you can.

You will be evaluated. Not just by words on paper, but by how you show up and have been showing up. If you have been or are lying, hiding, manipulating, being deceitful or vindictive, it may very well catch up with you when you are observed in the courtroom. So just be honest and do what is right, all the time. 

Next week, I’ll share more judge-reviewed content on this topic. I hope this helps.

Alex Gerber, Writer and Dad

gerberxc@gmail.com