I’m going to jump straight in: divorce can reveal how selfish, self-centered, and prideful we men can be. It can bring out the worst in us.

So why not look towards and pursue the best?

Here, I want to appeal to all of you men going through divorce to look at the best in 3 ways.

An Appeal To Civil Behavior and Respect

Don’t overthink this. When it comes to your ex, or anyone else, as you are moving through your divorce…

Be honest.

Do good

Don’t take revenge

Be honorable

Don’t think you know it all

Don’t be a hypocrite

Pursue peace

Love others

Seek justice

Work hard

Help others

Practice hospitality

Be kind

An Appeal To a Higher Standard

Don’t stop there. Go above and beyond…

Help your ex (where you actually can)

Desire good for her and bless her

Really love her, and others, even if they abandoned you

Use your gifts to help others

Be merciful

An Appeal To Be Transformed

This is not just about you. This is really about you and God.

Real change, truly transformed living, in the heat of divorce and beyond, is only by and through God. We men need our thoughts and mindset to be completely overhauled by Him for this to move beyond “divorce behavioral modification strategies” and become the real way we live. We need to be right with Him first.

Let’s consider what God has done:

Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:33-36

Let’s allow Him to begin changing and shaping our minds:

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

Let everything–all we are and all we have–be for Him!

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Romans 12:1

And finally, because God has extended forgiveness and mercy to everyone, men–let’s forgive and be merciful.

Real change, in our minds is the only thing that will bring us through divorce and towards living beyond it well.

To Consider When Moving Forward: What Are Our Barriers?

I’ve identified several internal barriers that may keep us from changing, thinking rightly, and engaging well with others, especially our exes, during and after our divorces:

Emotional turmoil – reactively living

Pain and wounding – hurting back

Anger and rage – explosive power or simmering/stewing

Pride and stubbornness – refusal to be kind or cooperate

Bitterness and contempt – hating her or others

A lack of peace within us

A lack of gratitude for what we have; an “I deserve this” mentality

A lack of humility

A lack of understanding of God’s mercy towards us—His love

I hope you will honestly evaluate yourself, your thoughts, and your patterns of behavior today, and ask what is really shaping you.

What will be your outcome?

Alex Gerber
gerberxc@gmail.com