A man has a choice when faced with divorce, and each day going forward – he can turn towards the world and what it offers to help him cope and survive, or he can turn towards God and what He offers.
I have seen that – no matter what a man thinks or says – he chooses one of these paths.
What the world offers sounds and feels enticing and satisfying, but it offers very little – in fact, only three things:
An appetite for physical pleasure
A craving for everything we see
Pride in what we have and what we have accomplished
These are transient, temporary, and will not lead to an abundant life, because the appetite of the world is not aligned with what God desires. What these offer, especially in hard or painful circumstances, can lead to comparison, coveting, envy, jealousy, arrogance, poor choices, physical, mental, and emotional damage, broken relationships, and temporary self-satisfaction at the long-term expense of others.
Contrast this with what God offers when a man turns his heart toward Him in divorce:
Salvation
Grace + mercy
Right-standing with God
Forgiveness
Relationship + friendship with God
An eternal inheritance
Life-changing peace, hope, and joy
A transformed mind
All we need in our circumstances → patience, strength, endurance, longsuffering, wisdom, etc
Growth in fruit of the Spirit
Love and sacrificial service for others
These are not transient – I have found they offer true help, hope, and guidance in and beyond the circumstances I have faced and may face in the future. I have seen these change lives and relationships for the better. I have seen men thrive, even in divorce, when they turn this way. And above all, these have an eternal impact.
If you are a man facing divorce, you have a choice today. Which way will you turn?
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Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. 1 John 2:15-17
When I stand before something majestically grand, I can’t help but feel a sense of awe tugging at my soul. In that place, I understand why worship has been a sacred part of humanity for thousands of years. And while this is a reverent topic, it’s something I feel like we often either overcomplicate or compartmentalize. I wanted to better understand worship, and I invite you, wherever you are, to take a journey with me here deeper into this topic.
What is worship?
Looking into this word, I found that worship is….
→Relational
→Personal and communal
→Spiritual and physical
→Sacrificial
It involves….
→Heart allegiance
→Honoring what is supreme
→Service to what is sacred
→Connection to something greater than ourselves
To me, worship is so much more than music, a church service, emotions, or feelings; and, it’s not confined to a place. To me, worship is giving glory and praise to something or someone we see as sacred or supreme, by willingly and adoringly offering ourselves in service and sacrifice to that which we worship.
What do you worship?
What is supreme in your life? Your answer may reveal what you worship. We will likely give our hearts to something (or someone) that we hold in value above all else. And our lives–and way of living–will follow. This may point towards who or what we are worshipping, even if we don’t realize it.
→How we live may reveal who or what we worship.
→The way we make choices may reveal who or what we worship.
→The way we respond to challenges and move through trials may reveal who or what we worship.
What motivates you to worship?
Dive into this question: Why do you worship?
For me, understanding what I have been given–the rich mercy poured on me–is what drives me towards worship. I know I have nothing apart from God. For me, to fully grasp this truth and live in the gratitude produced by it is to be able to truly worship.
How do we worship?
To me, worship involves giving something to someone–giving honor, reverence, time, attention, and even our life. I think of the things that we may give ourselves to, willingly or unwillingly. For me, when the act of giving myself in worship happens willingly, through love and a deep reverence for the One I see as magnificent and supreme, something powerful happens-a soul-singing praise that emanates from the deepest part of myself.
For me, because of what I know God has done for me, it is reasonable, logical, rational, and incredibly freeing to give myself as a sacrifice to God. I know that He wants all of me. All of my life–my time, my gifts, my connection and relationship with others, my heart and my soul, to be used for His purposes and the good of others.
And finally, for me, understanding how I worship comes through a renewal of my mind. This takes an ongoing renovation in my pattern of thinking, my perspective, my mindset. Having a mind that is becoming more aware of the love and mercy of God allows me to truly worship him with what I have.
Where is your heart going in worship?
With men, I can see that our hearts and lives are often pulled towards:
→our job
→our spouse
→our hobbies
→our families
→ourselves
While we can be pulled towards good things, there can be a subtle shift from valuing something to worshipping it; from “important” to “supreme”. Our choices, mindset, time, service, and patterns can reveal what is ultimate to us. And, in my perspective, any drift away from worshipping the one God from which all things are given and exist, towards worshipping something else, is distorted and dangerous, both to ourselves and others.
To me, it all matters. In view of God’s mercy towards us, our whole selves–mind, body, soul, and spirit–should be given to Him. There is no area of our lives untouched by His mercy; and so there should be no area that remains separate from our worship of Him.
Truly worshipping Him is truly living. I see no other version of life that will fulfill us or bring more delight than giving our hearts–all of who we are–to our Creator as an offering for what He has done for us.
At the end of the day, I want to please God. I know He wants all of me, and I know He wants all of you. What will you give?
To summarize, worship that is given willingly through a surrendered life, 24/7, done in love, coming from the heart, motivated by gratitude, fueled by adoration, encompassing the whole self, and honoring the Supreme Creator is, in my understanding, is true worship and is what is most pleasing to God.
Moving Forward
→Where is your heart going today and what do you find yourself worshipping?
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Romans 12:1
If you asked leading men’s voices what the secret is to facing the hardest things in life and still remain content, here’s what they might say*:
Jordan Peterson, a psychologist focused on meaning and responsibility, would likely say contentment is a byproduct of voluntarily carrying your suffering with truth and aiming at a meaningful goal
Jocko Willink, a former Navy SEAL and leadership coach, might say don’t chase contentment—focus on discipline and mission, and satisfaction will follow execution
Ryan Holiday, a modern Stoic author, might say contentment comes from mastering your perception and seeing obstacles as training
John Eldredge, the Christian author on masculine identity, might say peace flows from knowing you are a beloved son in the middle of the battle and not fighting alone
David Goggins, the endurance athlete, might redefine contentment as the earned pride that comes from not quitting
Andrew Huberman, the neuroscientist, might point to regulating your nervous system so stress doesn’t hijack your inner state
But my favorite answer comes from a short, bow-legged guy in shackles who wrote letters around 2,000 years ago. If Paul was podcasting or hosting workshops for men in 60 AD, his words would be bold: “Hey guys, I have the secret! Do you want to be empowered to face anything and everything in life well and remain content? I know how.”
Paul knew trouble–he faced beating, abuse, hunger, shipwreck, and even stoning. While writing the letter in which this passage is found, he was in prison. And yet even there, he can say that he, in any circumstance or situation, whether good, bad, or terrible, knows how to be empowered and infused with inner strength to endure, prevail, and remain content.
What’s his secret? It sounds simple, but I had to dive into understanding his source. Hang in here guys-even if you aren’t spiritual, you should find something in this.
“Through Christ”
Here’s what I have learned:
Paul’s insight speaks into every kind of hard circumstance a man may face–including divorce
His inner empowerment is relational, not materially-based or circumstantial
The strength he gained was derived from who the relationship was founded in–not self-driven
The closer I am to Jesus, the steadier I can remain when life hits hard, and the more content I can be
Joy, peace, and contentment are linked: when I experience joy from a close relationship with Jesus, I can also experience contentment in the peace of that relationship, regardless of my circumstances
Ultimately, the answer I see here to finding contentment is not “try harder”, but “abide”; Paul understands real contentment is rooted in a relationship. It is not self-driven, but relationally supplied by one who truly has the power to supply all that I need–Jesus.
When the primary relationship in a man’s life is being lost in divorce, being united with Jesus Christ offers real peace, internal strength, and endurance to face the situation and remain content. This doesn’t mean he will always feel that way, or that the pain, suffering, or circumstances will go away–but they no longer have their controlling power because of Christ’s victory.
Men, we are invited to participate in a life empowered in abiding with Jesus, where our minds can be given new perspectives, our hearts can be given strength, and our souls can find contentment, because of his Spirit living and working in us.
This world needs men who are rooted, perservering, and steady, no matter what they are facing or what is happening around them. It also needs men who are content, because they are empowered by something more powerful than their feelings, themselves, or their circumstances.
Do you want to be a man who can face anything, even (arguably) the hardest thing a man can face–divorce–and remain content? Look to Jesus to lead you through this–He is the source we need to be truly content.
Moving Forward
No matter where you are at or what you are facing, ask yourself these questions:
What is your source of contentment?
Is it greater than the situation you are in?
Will it last longer than your circumstances? Does it bring you peace?
———————-
“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13
Today I am going to take you through some of my journey in the hopes of showing how truth and integrity work together, through love, to impact relationships. This was personally the most challenging part of my story to write about, but I can’t think of any other topic more important and relevant for guys.
Men, I hope that after reading this, you will have a greater understanding of the value of truth in all your relationships, the danger of giving up your integrity, and the urgency to bring truth and personal integrity in all things. No matter where you or I have been or what mistakes we have made, I hope this helps us look towards moving forward in truth.
Building Stronger
I see 2 foundational elements of a healthy relationship: love and truth. Remove, alter, or replace even a small piece of these with anything else, and the relationship may begin to crumble. I see love and truth as inseparable–without truth, love is empty; without love, truth is harsh. It takes very little for the foundation of truth in a relationship to begin to erode, thereby impacting love.
It’s easy to show that great lies can wreck marriages and relationships; but small pebbles of distorted truths that begin to sink “relation-ships” when they accumulate are often harder to notice. Hear my story out: If you want better relationships, start small and build well with a foundation of truth and love.
The Lie
I learned at a very young age that manipulating truth and lying could get me out of punishment. But “the lie”–the one I remember and consider a turning point in my life–happened when I was around 8 years old. I had received a pocketknife on a trip to the Smoky Mountains Knife Works on a family vacation, and it was the coolest thing I owned. I remember playing with it one day, and it slipped and cut my finger. As the blood was dripping out, I went to look for a bandaid. My mom saw me and asked what happened. Out of fear that she would take away my knife, I lied. I told her I had cut my finger on a plastic toy–hardly believable. I think she saw through this at the time, but did not ask any more questions, and I was able to keep my knife. And so for me, my journey away from full integrity in life and relationships began there. It may have been here that I began to believe that this path would work.
My biggest fear was almost always the thought of losing something important to me, so I learned to manipulate the truth, most often in subtle ways, to avoid consequences and protect what was important to me–primarily my image and what others thought of me. This pattern continued through my teen years and into adulthood. It carried into my marriage; it carried into my friendships, and eventually almost all of my relationships. It became a huge part of my identity, and impacted the way that I related to others, as I often felt afraid of losing my image. Without realizing it, fear–and the fracturing of truth and integrity in my life–was breaking me. It was leading me further away from the ones I wanted to be close to, and closer to my biggest fear–being alone.
It can be easy to neglect to notice the impact of losing integrity slowly in the small details. Like the drip of a leaky pipe under a home, the effects may not be immediately noticed. But over a long time–pull back the floors–and you may have a huge mess. Tell a half-truth once and you may get away; tell them many times–and you will likely pay a price, in a number of ways. Your relationships may suffer, you might hurt the ones you love, and–if your conscience is not seared–you might live deeply unsettled, lacking inner peace. I speak from experience.
Finding Integrity: 4 Pieces to Wholeness
What keeps a man from being truthful and developing in personal integrity? Fear? Avoidance? Concern for others? Selfishness? Pride? Trauma? While this is a complex and layered discussion, I believe that some form of fear ultimately underlies a lack of personal integrity and truthfulness in a man’s life.
My journey to change directions and grow in personal integrity and truthfulness began with understanding four things:
1. How deeply fractured I was
2. What drove me to not be completely truthful
3. What the impacts were on the people I loved
4. How deeply loved I was
Integrity can be defined as “the state of being whole and undivided”–and I was a divided man. Internally, the fracturing of truthfulness in my life led to personal unsettledness, inner turmoil, heaviness, and a discontented soul. This pulled me further inward and away from others–even though I wanted to be close to them. This also brought inward shame that caused me to pull away from God.
I’ve explained some of what was behind the lack of personal integrity and manipulation of truth in my life–self-protection, fear of punishment, image perception, and fear of loss. But what hit me hard in the gut was understanding how much this hurt the ones I loved. A lack of truth led to loss of trust; the small compromises of complete truthfulness were leading to incremental losses in my relationships that revolved around trust. This led to more distance between me and the other person in the relationship, even when I was trying to avoid losing the relationship.
I remember my eyes beginning to slowly peel open as I began to see the impacts of the wounds that my lack of integrity and truthfulness had caused. And there I met crossroads: I could continue on the same path, or turn to another way. Looking back, the path I had been on appeared comforting, but was littered with broken relationships and heavy costs. It had ultimately left me alone and left me controlled by fear–and I was exhausted. I desperately wanted to move towards truthfulness, at all times, no matter the cost. I wanted peace. But my fear–it was still controlling and crushing me!
Until I met Love face-to-face. Understanding this kind of Love began to change my direction. I discovered that with this Love comes a desire for integrity; and with integrity comes a mended soul, a lighter heart, and a deeply settled peace. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have anything to hide. I know this is the path to take and the place to be. I can live in a growing wholeness that comes from my open relationship with God and the power that He alone supplies to change my desires, overcome my fears, and grow in truthful living.
Moving Forward
What is your aim? Are you looking for growth in integrity? Are you searching for “wholeness”?
I hope my story leaves an impression in your mind, especially if you are looking to move forward in personal integrity. Please understand how much the little things matter. White lies, half-truths, fudging the facts, omitting the details—these feel easy in the moment and less noticeable the smaller they are. But over time, these “pebbles” sink ships. In contrast, showing up with personal integrity and truth, in the small things, over and over again, builds character and trustworthiness, and moves a man towards wholeness.
If you are looking to grow and want to love well, then every word, conversation, email, text, and message that comes from you should be founded in truth. If you want to truly love others, live this way. It won’t always be easy, and may cost you, but the price is worth it. Don’t try to do this alone–find other men to help and hold you accountable. Finally, think on this: In and through Jesus alone, we can become men who don’t have to live in shades of truth.
“Search for truth, find it, and cling to it. Only in truth can you love well and live whole.”
1 John 4:16-19, “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.”
There’s probably nothing that brings more dread in my heart in home health care than bed bugs. Even if I can’t see them, the evidence that they are near is often clear. One thing I have learned through all my experiences with bed bugs is that no one wants to admit that they have them. The feelings of embarrassment and shame are too weighty–even when bugs are crawling on everything and everyone.
So I had to think about bed bugs: they cause so much unease, discomfort or itching; they leave traces of themselves all over; they’re not really hidden. This made me think about home health, because the uniqueness of the home care experience is that life is not hidden easily when someone steps into your home. Sure, it’s one thing to step out and go to a medical clinic and put on your best face; but it’s another thing to be seen where you are–at home, in the reality of what you are facing. This is the depth of the intimacy of home health care–there’s little room to hide.
What matters most as clinicians is how we respond to these openings and areas of vulnerability. Are we willing to respond with compassion? Even in the hardest places, are we willing to ask our patients what they need? Are we willing to respect and care for them in their weakness; to encourage and help them when they feel embarrassed or ashamed?
Home health clinicians have an opportunity to bring compassionate care to each home that they step in, no matter what is hiding beyond the door.
This is an initiative to move towards strengthening relationships and healing communities with compassionate care
Over the past few months, I have thought a lot about my patients, my job, and healthcare in general. I found myself asking, “in what ways can I move the needle forward positively?”
I have wanted to look beyond the objective metrics, statistics, and measurable outcomes, to something–perhaps less measurable–yet still of great significance; something that moves the needle forward in how compassionate healthcare is delivered in Charleston and across America. I hope to start tipping the needle forward with this discussion.
A Realized Need
I’ve been in home healthcare for over 12 years. I often feel like I step into crisis after crisis, with “life” fires burning. It’s difficult to know where to start, and sometimes it’s easier to think “just add in a social worker and this will be fixed”. But I realize it’s far more complex. I’ve had to ask the question over and over “what does this patient need the most? And often, “why is it so hard to get it for them?”
From what I have seen and experienced, I believe that the greatest unmet need for many of our patients is connection. Isolation and loneliness are impacting many lives in our community, and when health issues arise, it can deepen the separation. The loss of the ability to access community impacts the hearts of our patients, which long for the presence of others in their lives. This separation has ties not only to the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of our patients, but also our community as a whole. This leads me to wonder: What are we, individually and collectively, willing to do about this? And, what are healthcare organizations willing to do about this?
As clinicians, the aim of our individual mission ties into our organization’s mission, and should be grounded in serving our patients well. We should want what is best for each patient we serve. Connecting well with our patients can lead to conversations and a greater understanding of what things are truly needed that can powerfully impact their situation and lead to long-term improvements in their life. I have seen patients’ lives changed by compassionate connection with the clinicians who are serving them.
Connecting well with patients does not end with the benefit towards the patient. There’s a feedback loop in which both the patient and the clinician benefit. One from giving and one from receiving; often–when done well–both are able to give and receive. And this, in turn, extends to benefit their communities.
Expanding Compassionate Care
An expanded vision of a compassionate care model for healthcare providers centered around strengthening and equipping their clinicians to provide and deliver more compassionate healthcare should focus on the community as a whole–the organizations providing the healthcare services, the clinicians living and working in the community, and patients in the community being served. When providersand clinicians are equipped and motivated to serve compassionately, and patients receive that service, I believe the community as a whole will flourish. The greater equipping of individual clinicians to serve compassionately may strengthen the organization (provider), enhance the patient-clinician and patient-provider relationships, and return benefits to the community in which the clinician and patient live.
This implementation of this model, although not entirely new, can be unique in the sense that it should include a volunteer-driven, community-supported network designed to bring human connection to patients who are lonely, isolated, or in crisis. Through relationships and community, I believe tangible life needs will also be met. Take Charleston, for example: our city is full of places, groups, and people that are eager and willing to help bring connection, including local churches and non-profits. In a world where we are inundated with forms, papers, phone numbers, and wait-lists, we forget that there are human connections within reach, and there are ways to diminish the barriers to access these.
This model is realistic here in Charleston; I believe it can be effectively implemented over time, through compassionate organizations and providers, community involvement, improved inter and intra-organizational communication and unity, better utilization of existing resources, and the energy and love of compassionate people willing to serve.
A Providing, Unified, Community-Building Model Driven by Love
Consider a perspective model in which relationships are strengthened so that the mission expands beyond the patient, and into the places and spaces that both the patient and the clinician serving them will go. Consider a greater equipping of the clinicians serving, and the benefits of patients who receive that service, extending beyond the patient; movement from their homes, to their families, their neighborhoods, to their workplace, to their stores, to churches and nonprofits, and to their communities.
A healthcare organization and providers focused on providing truly compassionate care will look not only towards the patient but beyond, understanding that the bond between patients and clinicians extends into their communities and is essential to the relational prospering of the city. Serving patients well extends to serving communities well. When the providers, clinicians, and patients are strengthened, our communities are strengthened.
But what truly has the power to transform communities? Behind any delivery of compassionate care is a corporate heart that is motivated by love and gratitude. The primary directional outflow of this love, implemented in compassionate healthcare delivery, is giving, not taking. This love moves forward and steps into hard situations and dark places. This love reaches into lives that are broken, hurting, suffering, and even hopeless. This love moves to protect the weak and the vulnerable. This love moves to serve each person because of the value of who they are. This love extends towards communities to bridge gaps, connect the isolated, and bring unity. This love acts to serve, even when it is difficult, or comes at a cost. This love walks into our communities and brings change.
The power of a model driven by love, compassion, and gratitude, is that it can unite healthcare organizations and providers with the communities they are serving. The benefits of unity in the provider-clinician and clinician-patient relationships will bring greater unity in our communities and prosperity to our city.
Moving Forward
Healthcare organizations focus on providing and delivering excellent care, and current healthcare models focus on patient-centered care. While this is right and good, I want to see a well-balanced healthcare model in which clinicians and patients are each served well. I want to see healthcare organizations fully realizing and understanding the benefit of serving, equipped and strengthening the clinicians, for the benefit of the patient, the clinician, the organization (provider), and the community. I want to see our government and the offices of Medicare and Medicaid fully recognize the value of supporting these organizations in providing compassionate healthcare, as it will extend to communities across America.
There’s no simple formula to implement this into a model for compassionate health care, but starting with a conversation here, I hope, will move the needle a little farther forward. Let’s help our community; the time to act is now!
Are you in?
Alex Gerber, Doctor of Physical Therapy, Founder, Gathered Charleston
Finding peace in the hardest times can feel like an impossibility. How do we not worry in the face of crushing darkness and the heat of the fire?
Paul illuminates a pathway of lasting, mind-surpassing peace that is not dependent on the circumstances or situation we are in.
The Path
Don’t worry. Pray. Tell God what you need. Thank Him. And direct your thoughts on Him.
Pray! Cry out for help. Ask for strength; for courage; for hope; for peace; for protection. Tell Him what you need.
Look for small things–a text from a friend, a call from a family member, an unexpected gift, words of encouragement. Coincidences? Or, signs of a God who truly loves us and is actively intervening on our behalf to work for our good, even in the fire. The slightest sliver of a crack in our eyelids to opening to see these things begins to bring light and gratitude into the darkness.
When our eyes begin to open in gratitude, we can begin to know and fix our eyes on what is true: We are loved. This shifts the focus of our eyes (and minds) away from pain, darkness, and lies, towards the good things God has for us.
The Outcome
God’s peace is mindblowing! It is unshakeable. It is transformative. It is a new way of living. And it is readily available for everyone who searches for it, in every situation and circumstance! All we have to do is sincerely ask Him.
Ask for this peace today! He is eager to give it. (From Philippians 4)
Moving Forward 