Who do I want to be? Generally, I think far more about what I want someone else to be, than this.
If you are someone who would like to learn and grow, then perhaps this would be a helpful exercise. First, answer these 2 questions from “Be Here Now” by Judah and the Lion.
1. Who am I becoming? 2. Who do I want to be?
I challenge you to write out five responses to each of these two questions above. Then answer….
3. Who, or what is guiding my life?
Next, consider asking your spouse, a good friend, your child, or someone close to you to honestly answer this question….
Exploring a framework of intentional purpose, vision, direction, and action for life
Living in fear sucks. Feeling afraid to make a move, or not knowing what to do. Afraid to mess up and make things worse.
I often think I can sit and just wait for the solution to come on its own. I think that the answer will just present itself, and the problem will go away. I’ll tuck my head under the covers and wait.
Failure to act when it is called for, hurts.
It hurts me. It hurts those close to me. Recently, I watched again as my passivity caused hurt to someone I deeply care about.
For me, passivity is and has been so often the norm. Taking intentional action to move in the direction of real convictions and truth, in the right way at the right time, is often the exception.
Failure to do this though, results in damage.
What does passivity look like in a man?
The oldest and first example I know of is Genesis 3:6: “The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it too.”
Adam knew what God had said (Genesis 2:17). He was there. And he was there again when Eve took the fruit, ate, and offered some to him. He first stood by, silent. And then, he ate.
For me,
“Well I really don’t know so I’ll let her decide (that way I can blame her/them if it goes wrong)”
“I don’t know the best option, so I’m going to choose to do nothing.”
“I think I know what the right thing to do is, but I’m afraid, so I’ll sit here and hope the solution just comes or someone else solves this.
“I’ll stay silent. I’m afraid to speak or move towards what I believe is right”
How does it hurt?
It doesn’t feel right or good. I know it’s not what is intended for my life.
Inward turmoil. Feelings of failure. Feelings of guilt and shame. Confusion. Inadequacy.
It leads to tension and tearing in the fibers of my being.
Outwardly, it hurts. It can place a weight on others they are not meant to carry. It can lead to a build up of resentment in others for your failure to act when you should have. Do you have other examples?
How do we find a solution to this?
I think that the root causes of fear need to be addressed. What keeps us from taking action? Or moving towards the right path?
In order to do this, we need to know what the right path actually is. What is truth? What guides you? Who influences you? That will determine how, when we choose to take action, we respond to these tricky situations life brings.
The good news is that stepping out of passivity is healing. It brings peace. Guys, passivity is not the intended blueprint for our lives. Operating within the framework a man is made for actually works. It feels right. It is right.
What does that framework look like? I am still learning. more to come….’
“The Lord is good and does what is right, He shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way.” Psalm 25:9
If you saw the title of this and felt triggered, explore that.
As a man, I have so often hated the word “safe”, and so I decided to explore and embrace this opportunity to learn. This is such a loaded topic from many perspectives. I will try to provide thoughtful questions here, as well as give you insight into what I have learned through my own personal journey of shame, performing, loneliness, depression, divorce, faith, freedom,and discovery. I hope something here will be helpful for you.
I’ve gathered a lot of this from my experience, reading, and from many conversations with men and women. This is my opinion, and my experience.
Questioning
I have posed the following question in multiple gatherings with men because I find it so thought provoking and a great starting point:
Who are you becoming?
This question already implies that you are moving towards something. There’s no passivity here. You’re either drifting or fighting. Even stagnation is not passive. While in that state, there is no movement, no growth, no advancement, but there is a festering that develops that is not healthy.
So next, I want to ask:
What are you moving towards?
My aim here is to INSPIRE YOU to move towards becoming safer men. For our wives, friends, families, children, and everyone around us.
What Does “Becoming Safer Men” Mean?
Safe: protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.
(For the purpose of this writing and discussion, the “safe” that I am referring to is a place of connection, a place of deep security, on an emotional and spiritual level. Physical safety is assumed and present)
“Safe” is a loaded word today. It seems like everywhere I look, this word is thrown around. To me, it has been a triggering word. Why?
In regards to myself, men, and people, I’ve seen and experienced it used as a label.
Have you ever been told you are unsafe? Did you believe it? Was it true?
If this safety is so important to the women and people in our lives, how do we become “safe” men? Men that our wives, children, friends, and others can come to when they are confused. When they are hurting. When they feel scared. When they feel unsettled or unsure. When they want to find rest. And, when they need to call out our own poor behaviors that are causing damage in order to bring healthiness to our relationships.
Becoming Safer Men: Knowing What it Isn’t and What it Is
A man who does not “feel” safe is unlikely to provide safety.
A man who does not believe he IS safe is unlikely to provide safety.
A man who is not safe is a man who is likely lonely and isolated.
This man is likely afraid and scared. He lives in fear.
This man may have pain that is unprocessed, unrecognized, unaddressed.
This man may be easily triggered; but when triggered, he pushes away from the pain or discomfort and continues to do so, instead of curiously exploring it.
This man may truly not want to get to the bottom of himself to learn how or why he works the way he does.
This man may be angry and wants to blame.
This man may hold onto past wrongs and let them simmer.
This man may be gripping tightly for control in his life of anything and everything that comes into reach.
This man is likely reactive, not proactive.
This man does not listen, consistently.
This man is not kind and gentle with his words and tone.
This man seeks to blame others and defend himself, at the sake of others.
This man is likely deceptive.
This man may be naive, or blind, to the damage he is causing; or worse, he may be hardened to it.
A Safely Confident Man
Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
“A safe man loves me for who I am. He offers no judgment, but a deep love and understanding of who I am and what makes me hurt.”
-from What is a Safe Man
A confident man may be the most safe man anyone can encounter. He may be, but, not all confident men are safe men. This is clear all around us. Safe and confident do not always go hand in hand. The source of confidence is key.
Confidence that is rooted in anything that can be taken away is shakeable.
Confidence that is rooted in self is selfish.
The safest man, I believe, is a confident man whose confidence is grounded in deep, immovable truth. This confidence is often found and seen in the most humble, unassuming men. This man can step into the unknown, even feeling afraid, in a way that brings a safe presence to those around him. This man’s roots go deep.
He is secure.
He is fruitful.
He is thriving.
He is not perfect. There are mistakes. But he is learning with an open heart, confident that the weak areas in him will continue to shape and form in purity as he leans into them, seeking help outside of himself.
He is vulnerable to see and admit his flaws, ask for help and seek wise counsel, and is motivated to work towards growth and serve others well in doing so.
What Truth Grounds This Confidence?
For me, this growing confidence (not yet fully realized, still in process) came from experiencing the truth of who I am because of who God says I am. Not who others say I am. There is a deep unshakeable confidence in this that cannot be denied or taken, because my confidence lies in Jesus.
I know who I am because of who He says I am.
I know how loved I am and am more capable of giving love now because of that.
I know that I can be safe because He is safe and He lives in me.
I can now move out towards those around me in humble confidence and safety.
Examples
We can learn how to be safer in many ways. But why not look at the best examples?
Who is yours?
Mine is Jesus Christ.
He was not a man that held onto control. He was a man that surrendered, in the right way and at the right time.
He was not a man who shied away from pain and discomfort….from the places no one else would go and the people no one else would touch. He moved towards those places and people.
He was not afraid to cry, or to cry out. Or to bear his heart.
He walked in complete truth.
He invited and welcomed.
He listened and comforted.
He spoke when it was necessary, and did not when it was wise to be silent.
He was a man who bore the burdens of others
He bore our sins, and yet he surrendered his life entirely to his Father, for the lives of others.
He came to serve, not to be served.
He came to protect those who were given to him.
He came to provide something that can never be taken away.
He was, and is still, safe. perfectly so.
Becoming Safer Men: Action
Today, How do I become a safer man?
Here are 3 steps towards a simple start.
1. Listen. Open up your heart to learn.
2. Begin by looking at good examples and studying them.
I study Jesus; The gospel of John and the TV series The Chosen have been great places to learn about who he was and who he is.
3. Move away from loneliness, and into community.
There are plenty of resources and groups for men here in Charleston. You are NOT alone! Don’t act like you are. Journey together and grow with other men. Look for men who are becoming safer each day.
I write and share from a man’s point of view. I would recommend resources written by women (such as first reference below) on this topic to bring more clarity.
Do you believe you are shaping our world? Where are you today, reading this?
I have experienced, heard, and seen, over and over, the influence a mother has on the lives of men. The actions of our mothers, showing up in childhood and adult life, shape who we are and who are becoming.
A simple AI search shows the evidence is strong:
A mother serves as a significant role model, demonstrating behaviors, values, and life skills that a son can emulate. She can inspire her son to dream big, pursue his goals, and develop a strong sense of self-worth. A man’s relationship with his mother can influence his understanding of relationships with women and his ability to form healthy and fulfilling partnerships. A positive mother-son relationship can help a man develop healthy boundaries, respect, and empathy in his relationships. Even as a man matures and establishes his own family, the influence of his mother is lifelong and can continue to shape his values, behaviors, and relationships.
A son becomes a man who understands women through the lens of his mother.
He may likely set his expectations for women and a future partner through this lens.
He may cling to or adapt the expectations from this lens to serve himself, or serve the woman in his life.
Mothers, here are two things to help reflect on who your son is becoming:
I’m convinced that how a son views and treats his mother is a strong predictor of how he will view and treat women, and his future wife. How is he treating you?
How you view and treat him may be a strong influence in how he views himself and how he will expect to be treated by the woman in his life. Do you always view and treat him as a child? Or do you view and encourage his growth as a strong, capable, confident and secure man?
Mothers, you are powerfully influencing the next generation of men. Come together and talk! Support! Encourage! YOUR son may marry HER daughter. You are raising sons who will shape the future! You can give this world healthy, confident, secure, loving, and serving men.
There may be words, both within and outside of you, that try to tell you that you don’t matter, and what you are doing does not have an impact. This is not true. The stories of countless men, and my own story, prove this.
Mothers, YOU are critical!
Mothers:
Do you notice healthy patterns in how your son treats and views you? Commend these!
Do you notice any unhealthy patterns? Correct these!
It’s so important, as much as it is possible, for his father to be part of this journey. A father should be highly and actively involved in training and showing his son how to love, respect, and honor his mother.
For Men:
Men, there is unity in this: we are ALL sons. We were wonderfully made and woven together within her. This gift of life is because of her!
Sons, how are you honoring your mother?
Husbands, how are you honoring your wife, using what you learned with your mother?
Dads take some time today to talk with your son.
Men, encourage your mothers! Thank them for their role in shaping us.
Coping encompasses the various ways people deal with stress and negative emotions.
Several days ago, a group of 5 guys gathered together online to talk about healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with pain. The depth of the conversation and the personal stories of the men was unexpected and impactful. I wanted to take time to summarize a few of the notes, comments, and takeaways from that gathering.
Notes
We noted unhealthy (maladaptive) examples of coping with pain (physical/mental/emotional): alcohol addiction, drugs, pornography, rage, etc. Also, numbing out, mindlessly scrolling youtube videos or reels, playing video games excessively, and binge eating.
Comments
“A coping skill is something I do when I am stressed. I start doing it out of habit.”
“It becomes unhealthy when it takes away from my responsibilities, or something I have to do.”
Unhealthy coping takes us away from awareness. Away from being present and in the moment. And it moves us ultimately away from relationship. Away from connection.
Takeaways
There may be several key things we can focus on to help keep from drifting into unhealthy coping behavior:
Be aware.
Be conscious.
Be present.
Know your triggers. Become familiar with them.
Know your body.
Do you feel hungry, angry, lonely, tired?
Do you feel anxious or worried?
Is your heart racing?
Do you feel tense?
Know your values. Be aware of these
Orient yourself.
Do you know where you are?
What are your values?
Who you are?
Why are you choosing to do what you are doing?
Think forward: choose to pursue a better way of living, no matter how deep the pain.
Remember who you are, and who you want to be.
Is what you are choosing to do aligning with these?
Facing our pain in a healthy way moves us towards something better. towards healing, towards relationship, towards connection, and towards a better way of living.
Moving Forward 