I feel like I’m a man who’s just beginning to learn how to be a friend, and I wonder if any other men feel the same. It’s not that I have never had friends, but I have gone through long seasons of life where I did not have many, or any, close friends. And that impacted more than just myself.

Friendship is a strange thing. Growing up, no one really taught me what it means to be a friend. As a boy, it often just happened naturally through school, church, sports, and other activities.

Most of my friendships through high school and college were forged through running. We were a close band of brothers who bonded through physical challenges. Hours of conversations on runs led to friendships. Despite this, I still struggled to develop deep friendships with other guys.

I’ve been on a journey of learning how to be a better friend and what deep friendship with men looks like. I’ve seen friendships come and go as life circumstances change, moves happen, or opinions divide. I don’t claim to have the answers here, but when it comes to men and friendships, here are a few things I have learned and observed.

My Questions About Friendship

As I get to know guys, some friendships seem to happen naturally as we resonate on different things. Others are unexpected. But I find myself asking, what does it take to build a friendship?

There is such uniqueness in each person and each relationship. Is it more than just occasionally texting and perhaps hanging out once a month?

How much time do you have to spend to build a real friendship with another man?

What do you have to put in to make that friendship solid and deep? Does it take years and years?

Is it even worth trying? Is it possible?

Friendships Take Questions

Each friendship is different because each man is different. If you want to understand what the friendship needs, ask.

I surveyed a group of men and asked them how often they need to communicate with their friends to feel like the friendship matters. I came away surprised by the diversity of answers.

Some guys said once a month– they were good with that. Others said maybe every two weeks. And a few needed weekly attention. The answers to asking my own friends these questions surprised me.

Friendships Take Courage

There needs to be courage to share what is coming up, what is concerning, and a safe space to offer feedback. This is a huge challenge with men, as we often feel like receiving feedback is insulting or critical and causes us to defend or retreat. But it seems real friendship requires an environment where both men can freely share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions, communicating without fear of what the other person might think.

Friendships Take Real Listening

Friendships require listening with the intention to understand, not to judge. Truly wanting to know another man’s story, how it impacts his life, and what has shaped him allows me to listen to understand.

Friendships Are Deepened Through Adversity

I find men developing deeper friendships through divorce. The shared experience of something that is so incredibly difficult often brings men together. For me, the feeling of aloneness is calmed “…when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

Friendships Need Space and Practice

There’s plenty of evidence to show that men are struggling to have friendships. I also see work being done to bring men understanding, information, and tools to truly develop better friendships. But beyond articles, content, or tools to help build friendships, I see a great need for spaces where friendships can occur.

And we need practice– practice building friendships. Practice being in spaces and talking with other men. Practice developing understanding and communication and showing up consistently over time.

To me, this is where gathering guys together, not just to talk, but to really enjoy each other, becomes so important.

But beyond articles, content, or tools to help build friendships, I see a great need for spaces where friendships can occur.

Good Friendships Are Possible

I hope this article encourages you to sit down and think about your friendships and ask,
“What can I do to be a better friend?”

If this moves you to send a text to one or two guys who come to mind today and ask them what friendship looks like for them, and what you might be able to do to develop a deeper friendship, then I’d consider this a win.

I want to share one final thing, something that surprised me. In the time that I have spent in circles with other men, listening and observing, I was surprised to learn that men can have solid, deep, and long-lasting friendships. I have met a number of guys who have had longtime friends, talk to each other regularly, share life together, and simply enjoy the bond of friendship, even when distance separates. I have seen men’s friendships resilient, withstanding the test of time and the adversities that life brings.

To me, this is greatly encouraging and brings hope for the future.

There’s almost no greater value in the life of a man than what friendship can bring.

-Alex Gerber